I been on Facebook and Twitter a lot and I have come to realize that maybe I need to find a place to actually post thought feelings and all that other jazz and well I been with Deviantart for years. but I really haven't explored it's full potential. I have been at a loss in my creativity. I just need to find my way. I been supporting my new friend Josh with his music and it has inspired me to get back into my artwork again. I have truly needed the release. Most don't know the pressures of taking care of one's parents as they are in their decline.
I have watched my mother go from on the go all the time to fighting for her existence in her wheelchair. There are days when it is easy to deal with then there are days when she has bad ones and becomes so dark and negative. The osteoarthritis is crippling her with it's pain and the kidneys chime in putting her in a desolate mood. It doesn't help that dad is in such bad shape either. He isn't letting cancer beat him even thought he has bone cancer and the doctors are doing all these treatments to keep him alive. There is days when I see the spark of the daddy I grew up with and then there are days when it breaks my heart just to watch him.
I pray every day that they will find cures for my parents. But the truth is even with faith I will lose them both eventually. Some times it is hard to enjoy the times we have. I am trying to show my kids that they are learning a lesson that they will need in the future. I just hope they see it. They see me take grandma and grandpa to their appointments and how it wears us out. This is something I have to do not something that I can hand off. Being an only child means talking care of things on your own a lot of times. When I was a teenager I took care of myself while my parents held down night jobs my dad even took care of the family by working two jobs in most cases. I guess it was just part of all the things that built up through our moves over the years with the Air Force. He never slept much back then. Now his medicines make him sleepy all the time and he is forgetting more and more. The changes are dramatic when you fight cancer. It doesn't just affect the physical. It affects everything.
I wish that I could take it all away from him and my mom but then I would be lost. When I do finally lose them I will be lost without their guidance or wisdom. I have to prepare myself for that but I don't know if I can at the moment. It just seems that I have to go through this alone.